ON A VAMPIRE AND HIS THOUGHTS

I

            …Now I’m going to begin the story, without any further delays: I was born in a humble family in the late seventies, in the sixteenth century, on Vienna. When I was fifteen I met Marious, and the bastard bit my neck. I’ve met people, traveled places, and that’s about it. If you have any more questions you can meet me in the corner of Fifth and Main, by there. If yo won’t ever see me again. Laterz,

                                   Armand

            What characteristics must a tale of vampires have? What kind of question is that? Frankly, I don’t know the canons for a vampire story, but I guess it must be interesting, entertaining, wild and spooky and, in real life, they can have the characteristics they want.

            The author must read about vampire traditions, so he doesn’t have any incoherence.

            I don’t believe in vampires, it is just some story Bram Stocker made up for his work.

          I’m not really interested in vampire stories. They’re all the same and I’ve heard enough about them. I think because I haven’t heard anything new about them.

II

            Pandora read the letter, and then thought on being in the corner of Fifth and Main right away, but since it was 15:50, she decided to wait a little while until the clock would hit six o’clock.

            In those two hours and ten minutes she thought about the letter: “This guy obviously doesn’t like to write, but I’ll bet that he won’t stop talking all night.” She also went to eat something, and then to the specified place.

Arriving at the corner of the street at 18:05, she didn’t find Armand there yet. Pandora was beginning to think that she was too late for the meeting, so she was ready to go, but right then Armand appeared:

-          Pandora! Wait! I’m sorry!

-          Armand! You FINALLY ARRIVED! I have so many things to do, and you make me waste my time!

-          Hey, I said I am sorry! Besides, you should thank me because I came, ‘cause I don’t give many interviews!

-          You are an unknown. Nobody will give a shit about you, you don’t have any friends.

-          But I’m a vampire, for Christ’s sakes!

-          Don’t you use the Lord’s name in vain!

-          What is wrong with it? You’re very hyper! Did you take a lot of sugar this afternoon?

-          Yeah… Now that’s you mention it, I ate a couple of English muffins with milk… Let’s just forget about it and begin.

Suddenly she was like all blushed and ashamed, she was fighting with a fifteen years old, and Pandora was about to turn twenty seven! But Armand acted like he didn’t care…

-          Okay… So… How’s your relation with Marious?

-          He died in 1879. He was sunburned.

-          Really? Did you have anything to do with it?

-          Um… Yeah. Pretty much.

-          Why did you kill him?

-          He turned me into a vampire! I couldn’t forgive him for that, now I’m destined to be a fifteen years old for all my life.

-          What’s your favorite drink?

-          Huh? What kind of question is that?

-          K… What’s your favorite kind of music?

-          Bach and Alice Cooper.

-          Uh huh… Do you have any siblings?

-          Not anymore.

-          What’s your opinion on Kosovo?

-          I’m against NATO.

-          Do you have a girlfriend?

-          Of course not.

-          OK… Thank you very much.

-          No problem… Well, laterz, I gotta jet ‘cause I’m kind of thirsty.

-          Oh, well, have a nice dinner then.

-          You have a pretty neck, missus.

-          Why, thank you, darling!

-          It looks so white… So pure…

-          Uh huh… Um… I got to go too…

-          Not  before I get my fingers in your neck!

And they lived happily ever after.

The End?

1999